Nothing says "I love you" like a burger so juicy it could double as a crime scene. 馃崝鈿帮笍 Here鈥檚 my *Classic American Burger*鈥攁 patty slow-marinated in regret and seared with the tears of my ex鈥檚 new boyfriend. The bun? Lightly toasted, because even tragedy needs a little crunch. **Pro Tip:** If your patty isn鈥檛 weeping flavor, you鈥檙e not marinating long enough. I recommend 48 hours鈥攐r however long it takes to question your life choices. And for God鈥檚 sake, *don鈥檛 overwork the meat*鈥攗nless you enjoy chewing on the textual equivalent of a gym sock. **Experience Sharing:** The first time I made this, my smoke alarm went off, my dog judged me, and my neighbor called the fire department. *Success.* The second time, I added cheese so melted it looked like it had given up on life. Perfection. Serve with a side of existential dread and a cold beer鈥攂ecause if you鈥檙e eating alone, you might as well commit to the bit. #BurgerTherapy #MeatWithASideOfRegret #SlowCookedLikeMyDreams #ToastedBunsAndBrokenHearts #IfTheSmokeAlarmAintScreamingAreYouEvenCooking